How to Live our Lives

What are you doing to your life now?

How should I live my life?

Should I worry about tomorrow?

Should I focus on now?

Should I be secure, comfortable or rich?
Yes, I choose to be rich only....
Everything I do, I am focusing on how to be rich. I need to learn to acquire assets to give me passive income. I want to generate enough passive income until one day this passive income would exceed my working income so that I don't have to work again.

Actually to be rich is so simple, why are we not doing it?
We were taught to be employee only, working for bosses to get rich. Whereas we work only to pay bills, ha ha... Isn't it funny?
Then any extra, we give the money to some so called expert to invest for us. They might not have the interests to look after these monies and therefore do not maximise it? Is it fair to say so?

Who will be more responsible to look after my own money. It's me. So, starting from today, I need to learn to invest. If I focus of investing, I will be like Warren Buffet. Try asking Warren Buffet, is investing risky? He will probably look at me and just give me a smile. You have a long way to go, madam... Ha ha...

Being uneducated is risky. Being financially uneducated is dangerous. I will not know what I am getting into. Hmnn.....

Now, I am looking at properties wherever I have the chance. I will study the location, ask myself this question, Do I like this house? Why?

Then I will answer my own question, it is near the high tension, out. Next. It's fun.
It's educating. I shared it with Jenny. Hope she will learn and have an early start so that she will succeed early in life.

Cheers!!!! Enjoy your learning, madam...
YES...

On 4-7 September 2009, somehow I was showed by the extra power to attend Anthony Robbin's Unleash the Power Within in Singapore Expo. The participants aged from 6 to 112, Mother Teresa.

I seldom able to remember stranger's face, but Mother Teresa is an exceptional. I remembered her so well.

Today, I received an email from my best friend, Tracy, about 許哲居士. I was touched and moved. Is God's calling to start my 10 day challenge?

This is the mail that I cut and paste from my email.

她108歲 她在照顧老人!






一位學佛 -- 學的比 '佛教徒' 還像的 -- 許哲 。

http://club.cn.yahoo.com/bbs/threadview/1200024687_371__pn1.html



一位學佛的修女






許哲居士，今年108歲，身材瘦小，行動敏捷；銀絲如雪、耳聰目明；心懷大愛，一生助人。

她是天主教的老修女，於今年 一月二十九日 禮請淨空法師為證明師，皈依三寶。並應新加坡佛教居士林李木源林長之邀，為大家講述她的生活與修學理念。當時以問答的方式進行，編者為方便閱讀，以第一人稱將內容分為十一類，但儘量保持其原話，並融合淨空老法師曾親身至居處訪談之重點，以饗讀者。

此段專訪，已製成影音專輯，歡迎至華藏淨宗學會索取。


食

我的飲食很簡單，早上喝一杯牛奶，中午吃一些青菜和水果。有時青菜用水燙過，不煮不炒，不加油、鹽，切了就吃。生吃能完全保持蔬菜的養分，水煮過養分就少了一半。晚餐喝一杯酸奶（優酪乳），若不餓就不吃。我從小吃素，因為吃海鮮類，全身會發紅、發癢。

我覺得人不需要吃很多東西，吃東西很浪費時間，先要去買，還要煮、洗，吃完了又要洗碗。假如吃生的，只要洗乾淨，吃了就算了，節省的時間，可以看書，可以做有益他人的事情。

淨空法師告訴我，阿羅漢心地清淨七天吃一餐，我聽到就說：「我來學學看。」淨空法師教我要慢慢的學，現在一天吃一餐，可以學兩天吃一餐，再一段時間，三天吃一餐，這樣時間就更多了。

衣

我從來不買衣服，穿的衣服都是從垃圾筒撿回來的。能穿的，洗一下就穿；不能穿的就修改。我看到世間還有很多窮人沒有飯吃，沒有衣穿，我要去買一件新衣服太浪費了，覺得對不起那些苦難的人。

住

我自己住一個房子，我除了在書桌及床頭櫃上放一張母親的相片，其他的什麼擺設都沒有。廚房多半是燒水用的。有些社會人士送紀念品表揚我，有的收起來，有的丟掉。有人跟我照相，照了就撕掉，留這個沒有用，這些東西是累贅。

運動

我每天早上四點鐘起床，第一件事是靜坐，其次做瑜珈運動，然後到外面散步，練腳力，下雨天就拿著雨傘行走，從不間斷。現在一星期有兩天出去教人靜坐，我的生活就是這樣簡而有序。

閱讀

我每天一定讀書，有時晚上看到一、兩點，或三點多，如果好看就忘了睡覺。我讀書是有取捨的，好的內容就留下來，不好的就當作陌生人走過一樣，完全不為所動。

修身

我從來不發脾氣，因為發脾氣，第一、傷害自己，第二、傷害對方，第三、其他人聽到也受影響，這個不好。生氣害自己，也害很多人，發一分鐘的脾氣，要三天才能恢復得過來，浪費時間，浪費精神，所以不要生氣。

在養老院裡，如果跟同事們處不好，我總認為是自己不會做人、不會做事，做得讓別人不歡喜。決不說別人的過失。

看到社會上有惡人惡事，就像平常在馬路上看到一些陌生人一樣，完全不落印象。看到好事善人，我會記住，向他學習。

服務

我常講我是一百零一歲的年輕人，我不帶眼鏡，眼不花，耳不聾。我們想老就會老，想年輕就會年輕。假如你腦筋不要想老，一百多歲還是可以做很多事情。我每天都在為眾生做事，我自己不需要照顧自己，我只要照顧別人，我相信老天會照顧我。我這個身體是為一切老人、病人、苦難人服務的工具，天天要利用這個工具。今年一百歲了，還是利用這個工具，這個工具還很好，還沒有壞。

有時人家會給我錢，我自己不需要錢，我就拿這些錢去做好事。我現在照顧二十幾個很窮的老人，每個月送一些米、油、糖和罐頭給他們。如果有人捐錢給我，我就拿這些錢，替這些老人付房租、電費、水費，甚至付醫藥費。我對待每一個窮人，就像對待總統一樣的恭敬。

他們送錢不是給我用的，送這些米、糧食也不是給我吃的，是叫我替他們幫助一些苦難的貧窮人、老人、病人，我是善心人的義工，我替他們送，替他們布施。

慈善事業

我五十歲到英國去學護士，可是年齡太大了，我打了一次妄語，把年齡報小了十二歲。學成之後，幾十年來全心全力照顧病人、老人，把他們都看作是自己的父母，自己的親人。目前在南非、印度、馬來西亞及尼泊爾等地，已有十多所老人院。我目前希望辦一個家庭式的老人院，不是機關、醫院的性質。來到這裡的老人，我們照顧他，就像照顧自己的婆婆、母親、父親一樣，讓每個老人都感到像在自己家裡一樣的溫暖。

進修

我從小受英文教育，中文程度不是很好，但我仍堅持看中文佛經。我讀了佛經以後，認為佛的教誨很好，值得學習。目前正在看淨空法師講述的《認識佛教》。

信仰

我的宗教是「愛」的宗教，永遠愛世人，大家都是兄弟姊妹，這是我的宗教信仰。天主教的教友們，看到我看其他宗教的書，問我為什麼看魔鬼的東西？我說：「我看世界上所有的宗教都是一片光明」。

皈依

我問淨空法師：「我有資格作佛陀的弟子嗎？」法師說：「有！」我說：「我給你做學生。」淨空法師給我皈依證，還有五戒證書，為我作證明，正式皈依佛門。　


許哲居士人生精華語錄
◆ 心靈平和給人安樂是健康快樂的祕方。
◆ 不開心的人總是傷害別人。
◆ 不做的事: 不惡口，不生煩惱心，不猛火煮食，不食肉，不沾咖啡，茶，酒。
◆ 必做的事: 靜坐，布施，閱讀，運動，吃大量生果蔬菜。
◆ 吃只是維持好身體來做事。
◆ 健康快樂的祕訣:只是「給」。
◆ 我不知道什麼叫悲傷。
◆ 最開心的是31年之後，我重回檳城見到微笑的媽媽。
◆ 我們曾經孤苦無依過，我希望沒有人會再受那種苦。
◆ 我一直在照顧大自然的「兒女」，相信大自然也在照顧我，給我健康。
◆ 我保持健康不是因為求長壽，我只是不想因病而連累他人。
◆ 在宇宙中我們是幼稚兒，宇宙之母會給我們最好的安排，我接受一切。
◆ 千禧年對我沒有什麼特別，不管是坐在那裡和誰談話，我享受每一天每一刻。
◆ 生命意義在於真誠，不貪。如果要我現在閉目而去，我也知道我沒有留下什麼，我對生命無悔無憾。

Organic Vs Vegetarian

Is there any difference between Organice & Vegetarian meals?

On Tuesday, uponn the invitation by my friend, I went to Kuchai Lama for an organic lunch. We were served Organic Bento Set.

Before we started our meal, Beini wanted us to first eat the dragon fruit. Then follow by the soup (the soup is made of carrot, sweet corn, aiyo, forgot liao), after which we were to eat the salad, a little bit sour due to the plum sause. Quite appetising. Lastly were we to eat the main course which consisted of brown rice, bean curd with white sesame topping, fucuk with cabbage and a piece of sweet potato.

According to Beini, the owner of the shop found that they are cases of cancer patients recovered after following organic food decided to learn from a Taiwan Sifu and opened up the shop using all her savings.

Today is the 1st day of Month Seven which is equivalent to Hungry Ghost Month. I went for vegetarian food. Very kiasi, ok... Ha ha..

On the wall of the restaurant, there is a little writing about why the prices of food is increasing in cost due to pigs also eat our food. That's why it increases the demand of food and therefore the price also increases as a consequence. We should stop eating meat to make the food more affordable so that less children died of starvation. Aiyo. Also true lah.... Amitabha...

While eating, I suddenly remembered what Beini told me about how cancer patients recovered after on organic food. Then I also heard many people told me that some monks themselves are down with cancer. By the way, these monks are the top ranking in the temple. There must be the food the made them sick. Hmnn......

Looking at the ingredients of Vegetarian food, I find that there is no balance of diet. We were served artificial meat like char siu, siu ngo, fish, etc. Some of these are made of preservatives, colouring, msg etc, I heard. These ingredients itself is not healthy. I am not a nutritionist nor a chef, but I am learning to improve on my health. This is just my personal opinion. It might not be right. If you have any comment just update me ok....

Leadership

What is Leadership? Why is Leadership important?

A leader is one with a clear mission. He leads others to achieve a noble objective. Is everyone has a leadership in them? Should we lead our own lives?

I have been thinking hard about leadership. Robert Kiyosaki in Conspiracy of the Rich stated, "One way to be a great leader is to keep learning and keep accepting feedback from your team - even if it's not feedback you like".

In the house, we need to lead our family members. In the school, we need to lead our school mates. In a Company, we need to lead our employees. In the country, we need to lead our nations.

So, what is my mission. Rich Dad's mission is to elevate the financial well-being of humanity. At first I do not quite blend into the mission. Last night I started to feel it : -What is required of a Leader.

When Rich Dad was on military duty during the Vietnam War, his mission is to bring back his team members alive.

Therefore, I found out that as a leader, I need to lead the family to financial freedom. In a Company, I need to lead the employees to a profitable company so that they can have job and financial security. I am responsible for everyone who believes in me..... it also means that I have to take very well care of myself. Many people depends on me.....

Then I started to ponder about my mission. Since my first business will be in Food Business, I want to delight and spoil my customer healthily but economically.

Connie do not like the word I chose "spoil". What do you think? To me, spoil means customers can eat what they want cause they know the food is healthy or it should not do much harm. For example, I will use garbage enzyme to pre-soak my vegetables to reduce pesticide or other chemical if any. This will make the vegetables taste better. Eventually lead to healthier lifestyle, hopefully, though not guarantee.

Marriage

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

Got this email from a friend.... Excellent...

Those who are still single may learn something from here.
Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage...

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Here's the answer.


EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, could drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you.
You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Remember this always:

"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

So, spent your lifetime finding out the loveable things about your spouse so that you could LOVE your spouse everyday in every way in an EVERLASTING marriage. That is why granpa's love to your granma seems so PURE.
Remember, you are with the "RIGHT" person. If not, you wouldn't have wanted to marry your spouse in the first place.

No more questions!!!

Life Learning

Every day, we are learning lots of things. Whether we notice it or not.

Yesterday, little Dash asked me "What Have You Learned Today?"

It was noon already, I cannot recall what I have learned that day. So I told him, I have not learned anything but I like your question. The greatest learning of the day was to ask this question every day, every moment....

Recently, I am learning a lot. From Buddihism to Business management to Financial management to Relationship management to Investment Management. It's like Buddha trying to find out why there is Birth, Aging, Sickness & Death. All these are inter-related. In business we have to have integrity and value, besides knowledge and skills.

If one wants to end death, there should not be anymore Birth.

If one wants to end poverty, there should not be anymore ..... poor thinking!

Your mindset must be tuned to another channel. The millionaire channel. How the rich thinks in a different way....

Rich Dad in his Conspiracy of the Rich written, change your question, that will change your life.

For example, " How can I get started when I don't have any money? "
Change it to " What do I have to know about raising money?"

In business, many do not know how to get customers. Phil Town in his book, Rule # 1 said it is so simple " Find out what they want, Go and get it & Give it to them " You are in business. Simple.

Leaning, learning. I am learning.... And I am applying what I have learnt and the good news is "It works!" ....

Rich VS Wealthy

Rich dad has this one famous line. A person can be rich but he might not be wealthy.
What's the difference...

A 14 year old teen once told me she doesn't want to be rich (In mandarin, she mean she doesn't want to have money). I was surprised. I asked why?

She told me even if you have RM2.00, you have money but that's not enough. Hmn.... intelligent kid.

A person who has RM1 million with a monthly expense of RM100,000 will have a 10-month wealth. Is that wealthy?

Well, the 10-month wealth will not last him a life time. The millionaire has a problem?

If the millionaire has a passive income of RM100,000 a month will probably solve his problem.

But what is passive income? Passive income is income streams that keep coming to you even if you don't want it. Cool? Passive income do not require our labour to produce it. Yes, we might need to set it up though. We can work hard to set it up once and enjoy the fruits for the rest of our lives. Isn't it good.

The next question is, is that possible?

Think of how aeroplanes transport people around the world. Think of how people landed on the moon.

To create passive income, we need to accumulate assets that can produce passive income. So what are the assets that generate passive income?

Business

What is the most critical factor in business?

While most of them tell me it's money or capital, is it true?

How about people? Management? Product? What else? Marketing, Branding,




Well, my mentor said it is SALES....

Why? It is sales that keep a Company afloat. Think again...

When you have sales, you have money. When you have money, you have everything else.

What do you think?

Education

When my friend asked me to vote for English in teaching Science & Maths in Malaysia. A lot of things came into my mind.

What do parents want? They want their children to have good/comfortable/luxury life? If so what's the impact of English or mother tounge being tought in Science & Maths? Will the learning of Science & Maths in English guarantee that the children know how to make lots of money in future?

Should we revisit our education system or should we focus on the medium?

Hmnn....

All parents, how has our education system affected us? Are you a millionaire? Do you earn a lot to support your lifestyle? Can you retire comfortably? With confident?

Do you want your children to go through what you are going through now?

I have learned from Rich Dad that most people have to worry about

1) Tax
2) Retirement
3) Debts
4) Inflation

Any of these apply to you?

So what should we do to overcome all these? Is there a solution?

Yes, there is. That's why I am changing. Yeah....

Money

I read this from Rich Dad's Increase your Financial IQ.

"It is not the love of money that is evil, it is the lack of money that causes evil."

This is so well said. Last time I do not love money, cause I saw others whom I love always fight because of money. So I thought money is the one that cause all the problem. Unconsciously I keep a distant from money.

Whenever I collect enough money, I lost it in investment, in things that I buy. I never realise the problem until I met T. Harv Eker.

He is the one that made me realise I have a serious problem. So I pay attention to everything the millionaire said. I need to learn from the best.

Further extract from the book:-
It is working at a job we hate that is evil. Working hard yet not earning enough to provide for our families is evil. For some, being deelply in debt is evil. Fighting with people you love over money is evil. Being greedy is evil. And committing criminal or immoral acts to get money is evil. Money by itself is not evil. Money is just Money.

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married

Got this email from a friend. It is very touching. In life, lots of things happened. It is a test of life. How often we revisit our goals. Our life goal, financial goal, business goal, family goal, etc...

If we can hold on and fight to the very last, we will win. Why choose this ending? Is it worth it? People will change... if you try harder.... This I believe.

People do lost sometimes, but we do not need to take the extreme, right? Everyone will grow. For the better.....




MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you.

She sat down and ate quietly.

Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking.

I want a divorce.

I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage.

But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.

I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces.

The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved my lover, Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible..

Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning.

I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions .. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms .. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce .. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door.

She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily .. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time .. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.

Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly.

I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office .. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind ..

I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said.

I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more.

Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.

I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card.

I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. I know how her heart could not bear to hear my last words now. I still carried her, my last one...this time with my wretched heart.The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah.

These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.. If you do, you just might save a marriage.